The Majlis Chronicles:

I am nervous, I don’t know why but I keep on holding my breath. Maybe it’s to calm down what’s left of my heart. It makes no sense to me now. How my legs worked their way to your doors. Why I am standing here gazing up waiting for you to answer your door.

I lied when I said I didn’t know where you lived. I had always known. From the first week you moved in, I have made a habit of walking by at odd hours. In my defense I was just making sure you were safe. I checked out the area that first week you moved in. I asked your neighbors if it was safe for a woman to be walking about at night, or if the shops and bars down the street stayed up all night. I had nightmares the first day I saw where you choose to live. What if you had to walk all the way from the terminal to your block at night? My mind created so many scenarios that I drove down in the middle of the night, just to see that your light was on. I waited a few more minutes waiting for you to walk by the window. I waited to catch a glimpse of your shadow. I waited till you turned off your lights. I drove away feeling wary and impatient, not satisfied about your safety. I wondered all the way to home if you had locked your doors.

I can remember many of nights spent like that. I wondered if you felt my gaze, if my walk bys gave you a sense of security. Of course, if I had told you beforehand you would have freaked out. So I held back, kept it a secret and stayed away.

So here I am braving your door steps like I haven’t already figured out the lay out of your house. Invited to visit so many times and having surrendered at last. I am running different mantras in my head trying to school my excitement. I am ever eager to be in your presence, without the look of wary eyes or judging faces of all our acquaintances. To hear your voice, the music that will restart my dead heart, to feel, smell and touch you. It’s like I have been dead the past year. All my senses seem to be waking up, eager for that drug they have been craving for all this time. I feel my face heating up; I wonder if you can tell how I feel in this moment. I am dreading get excited for you to open your door.

I don’t know what the decorum was, do I greet you with a hug or do I just smile and greet you with a snarky comment. But, will I be able to speak for the latter? My voice seem to have escaped me, my throat seems to go dry suddenly. I slightly start to drag my feet backwards. I can’t let this emotions show. I was churning inside. It was like all this inherent instinct kicked in suddenly. I needed to fly… I needed to get away. I need to be composed. But then suddenly you open your door and everything stops.

Everything stops! The children playing down the street, the elders sitting by the garden, the neighbor trying to coo the wailing child… every noise and sound muted. Even my heart seemed to have stopped there for a moment. The world stopped for me. It gave me a moment to study you. You were standing there barefoot shuffling from one to the other, dressed in non-other than my own shirt, radiant as always. I could tell you just got out of the shower from your bare than dry hair. I was enamored with you, yet again. My brain wasn’t able to process anything anymore, my heart just mewled at me to grab it. I was frozen in place. I just needed to drink you in: in your element. You smile at me and I feel dizzy even more. I slightly manage to lean up against the column and smile back. I try to collect whatever drop of spittle I can find and swallow so I my voice didn’t betray me. I know I looked nonchalant to you, but I was anything but.

I don’t know when my brain started functioning again but, I hear myself if I can maybe wash my hands and take off my shoes before coming in. You laugh at me, and say I have always been very cautious. Of course, If only you knew it was just so I can compose myself better, it was the only reason what’s left of my functioning brain can come up with ( thank you corona … 😂😂).

I don’t know why you have to stand there waiting for me to finish washing my hands, but I have never felt twenty seconds go by that fast. I had to stop you from looking at me like that. I didn’t wanna look at you again. But I am already in a situation I can’t walk out of. So I add some more soap and continue to thoroughly wash my hands, I look up just in time to see you raise your eyebrows. Ahh… there comes one of your funny retorts, but no u just stand there waiting. I figured this is a ridiculous way to keep you waiting. So I rinse of and turn around to properly greet you. I could feel the exuberance with which you pull me in for a hug. I am yet again dumbfounded by your reaction. It wasn’t like the other times, where you lean in with one hand and give me a loose hug, it wasn’t how I knew you to say hi to me. This was different. You pressed all your body to me and just pulled me in.

I wanted to scream who are you? Why are you here? I wanted to open the door and push her out the door. But I held back. Greetings were exchanged and introductions were made. We sat down on the Majlis and you got busy with serving this and that. I don’t remember much of the questions you posed. Water? or soft drinks? Should I warm this up or should we just eat? I don’t know what I answered…. an hour passed full of meaningless conversation. Your friend seemed to try. At least, I think I was civil with whatever mambo-jumbo she was saying. All I wanted to know was what she meant to you. I didn’t think I was in the right mindset to ask politely what I wanted to know; or to state my questions in an acceptable manner. But I guess she sensed my reservations, for she made it easier for me and told me that you guys were friends. She said she was your best friend.

Best friend. That word seemed to be stuck in my head the entire time she explained how you guys met and ended up being friends. You seem to have a backhanded way of speaking to one another. Jibbing and exchanging quirky funny remarks about this and that. I wanted none of it. I didn’t care for her kindness at the moment. I just wanted to know if she was leaving or staying; or even more dreadful…. if she was your roommate. Now I know you only have a single bedroom cordoned off. So if she was your roommate…. then did it mean she was sharing your bed? Of course, this started another dialogue in my head; I started to apprise her of her looks. Long frame, beautifully chiseled cheek bones an even beautiful smile… not that I cared for it at all. Mind you, I knew you’ve moved on and that I have no claim on you whatsoever, but this was tumultuous, painful really. Even if she is beautiful, kind, beautiful…. did I mention beautiful…I guess now that I think of it.. She was stunning. But never mind all that, what I wanted to know was if she was part of the harlom of women that have graced your bed. Your bed, now why did I have to go and think of that? I know you’ve slept around after we broke up, while we were breaking up and while we were together. But it mattered, at that moment it mattered more to me that she was claiming to be your best friend. Did she know you like I do? Is that a privilege you bestowed upon her.

Where does she come of calling herself the best friend? I was your best friend. I was your everything; I was the one with all the secrets. I was the one who held you when you cried, i was the one who held back all the darkness, you were my endless sky and I was the star and the moons to you.

I must be regurgitating. That was past then, I guess we are not the same people. No … no… u are of this life now. You have new friends…best friends and women. I am of your past. I shouldn’t be jealous of the beautiful, kind, “best friend”. No, I needed to stop this train of thought. I needed to be ok with you. This jealousy was what ruined me to begin with. I…

You interrupted me with a question. Thank God because my insides were fuming. Your friend stood up and excused herself to use the bathroom. She asked me if I wanted coffee or tea. I replied either was fine. Why was she being a hostess in your house? Stop!! I tell myself to stop. So I tried to have meaningless conversation… I asked about your mom (who loves me), your sister..(who hates me… for reasons unknown)… simple questions I already knew the answers to. We talk about this and that ….I simmer down and actually starting to tolerate her company. She was funny to be honest. She wasn’t like any of your friends I knew of. She had a foresight into things… politics, books, life, Corona… well things didn’t go as planned … I didn’t get you all to myself. Not yet anyways. So yea, I kinda liked your friend. She seems to be good for you, I refuse to call her your best friend though… no.. and for the love of god I can’t remember her name.

I don’t how time flew by, but I noticed it was getting dark and I figured it was time for me to excuse myself. Be grateful for the time you gave me and head on my way. But, just as I was about to suggest that I leave; your friend gets up and announced her departure. Oh the glee I felt at that moment. She was living, I was gonna have a moment of your time uninterrupted by her exuberant personality. I didn’t even try to deter her from living. I was more than happy to learn that she didn’t live with you, I wanted her to go. I wanted to mark your space without her thoughtful eyes and know it all attitude. Ok maybe that wasn’t called for. But, I was happy with her departure. Whatever moment I have left with you, I wanted to savor it.

Alone just you and me… that’s what got me to walk up those steps with as much of what little bravery I could muster. Not only where we alone… we had unhindered privacy and I had no all-knowing protective “best friend” eyes to judge every single gaze I lay upon you. There was no hindrance, no shame or question to being alone with you in that moment. I was ecstatic to say the least, it was the moment my heart started overwhelming my brain. My mind had no control over my body anymore. Words and actions I didn’t inscribe in my thoughts were pushed out of my heart.

I had such triumph; alone with you and only you.

Not that I had any power over you: no, no you always had all the power. You were the outspoken one, the queen and I the humble servant. I had already surrendered my power the first time I laid my eyes. I always succumbed to your wishes and your needs. This was the truth that ruled my entire 5 years of living. Till this day that is. “Willingly?” no never willingly in my right mind. It was bewitchment I tell you. You bewitched me, bewitched me the first day I talked to you. I was enamored with your soul, before I fell and worshiped your flesh. No! No! You had all the power here. I will never deny I was at the mercy of your time; if you would allow me in your presence this night.

But I was also fearful of being alone with you. You were after all the only one that has seen me at my worst. My worst, I wonder if you ever noticed my best, since they were seldom overshadowed by my failures. But No! No I wasn’t here to bring up or relive those moments of my failure. I was just trying to show you and hoped to relive those rare moments we were at our bests.